8.10.2015

How Come You Never Freak the F*ck Out? Multiple Sclerosis and love.

I had a meltdown recently. One of those heaving, sobbing, gasping for air freak-outs that comes along once (haha, I wish) or twice a year when things seem impossible and there is no end in sight. A popular theme for my bi-annual trip to Losing My Shitsville is my ever present fear of needing permanent wheels (or worse, but that's a good start). It's an anxiety taking up a lot of real estate in my imagination lately as I struggle to walk a straight line and remain upright for longer than a few minutes.  On this particular day I was ruminating over the fact that I want better for The Banker. I really mean it. He's an awesome guy. Tall, dark and handsome, he has a good job. He's funny and kind. He's still in his prime and he's a catch (Oh my god, why am I trying to sell him to you? He has a superfluous nipple, okay?).

So how did The Banker get such a raw deal? Don't get me wrong. I am a god-damned prize. But as time goes on, I fear his love for me might turn him into my nurse and I DON'T WANT THAT more than I don't want to be alone. Through tears, I tried to communicate this to him, and he is UNFLAPPABLE. First, he laughed at me and my silly concerns. This was annoying because, I wasn't kidding. I'm serious. But this guy, he is so steady, so even. He never seems to get upset. It was only when I said through gross, snotty tears:

'What would it take for you to just freak the fuck out???'

and he held my face and made me look at him


'Losing you would make me freak the fuck out.' 


I took a deep breath. I wiped my nose on his shirt. I calmed down. I believed him and in that moment, I felt better.



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12 comments :

  1. That's true love. Most people never find it. You must be something special.

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  2. That's true love. Most people never find it. You must be something special.

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    1. Thank you Wayne. What a lovely thing to say.

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  3. I'm "freaking the fuck out"... what a terrific story. You are both very luck!

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  4. I just found your blog, and this one particular I could have written verbatim. This is my biggest freak out too. I do not want to be dependent on my amazing husband and our daughters. We have been together since I was 14 years old and we have been married for 20 years. He is my heart. He handles everything about this stupid MS diagnosis with grace and care. Meanwhile I feel such GUILT. I never want to be a burden! He says he doesn't care, I'm his life and he'll carry me when I can't walk! I told him he better hit the weights! We are both VERY lucky, if not in genetics, then at least with these amazing partners! Love your blog!! Nicole from Louisiana

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    1. Thanks Nicole and thanks for sharing your story. We are indeed lucky and I'm glad there are others with such strong love stories. I'm willing to bet that you are pretty awesome yourself to have scored yourself such an awesome guy.
      PS Last spring in Mexico my husband carried me out of the sea which is pretty hot even if you aren't too exhausted to walk yourself.

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    2. Awe, I love that!! Looking forward to reading more of your blog, I'm working backwards! :)

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  5. I swear, I’ve seen this similar scene on one of my favourite romantic soap and gave me an emotional joy. This post gave me that exact same feeling and more, tears of joy and profound admiration to the both of you.
    I love stories where my favourite pair end up together forever. I am a fan of your love-team A&K��
    ~RS

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    1. Thanks, RS! That is lovely of you to say.

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