8.10.2015

How Come You Never Freak the F*ck Out?

I had a meltdown. One of those heaving, sobbing, gasping for air freak-outs that comes along once (haha, I wish) or twice a year when things seem impossible. A popular theme for my bi-annual trip to Losing My Shitsville is my ever present fear of needing permanent wheels (or worse, but that's a good start). It's an anxiety taking up a lot of real estate in my imagination lately as I struggle to walk a straight line and remain upright for longer than a few minutes.  

On this particular day I was ruminating over the fact that I want better for The Banker. I really mean it. He's an awesome guy. Tall, dark and handsome, he has a good job. He's funny and kind and oh my god, why am I trying to sell him to you? He has a superfluous nipple, okay?


this guy is zen af

So how did The Banker get such a raw deal? 

Don't get me wrong. I'm a god-damned prize. But as time goes on, I fear The Banker's love for me might turn him into my nurse and I don't want that more than I don't want to be alone. 

Through tears, I tried to tell him this, but he is unflappable. First, he laughed at me and my silly concerns. This was annoying because, I wasn't kidding. I'm serious. But this guy, he is so steady, so even. He never seems to get upset. It was only when I said through gross, snotty tears,

"What would it take for you to just freak the fuck out???"

and he held my face and made me look at him


"Losing you would make me freak the fuck out." 


I took a deep breath. I wiped my nose on his shirt. I calmed down. I believed him and at least for a moment, I felt better.











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21 comments :

  1. That's true love. Most people never find it. You must be something special.

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  2. That's true love. Most people never find it. You must be something special.

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    1. Thank you Wayne. What a lovely thing to say.

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  3. I'm "freaking the fuck out"... what a terrific story. You are both very luck!

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  4. I just found your blog, and this one particular I could have written verbatim. This is my biggest freak out too. I do not want to be dependent on my amazing husband and our daughters. We have been together since I was 14 years old and we have been married for 20 years. He is my heart. He handles everything about this stupid MS diagnosis with grace and care. Meanwhile I feel such GUILT. I never want to be a burden! He says he doesn't care, I'm his life and he'll carry me when I can't walk! I told him he better hit the weights! We are both VERY lucky, if not in genetics, then at least with these amazing partners! Love your blog!! Nicole from Louisiana

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    1. Thanks Nicole and thanks for sharing your story. We are indeed lucky and I'm glad there are others with such strong love stories. I'm willing to bet that you are pretty awesome yourself to have scored yourself such an awesome guy.
      PS Last spring in Mexico my husband carried me out of the sea which is pretty hot even if you aren't too exhausted to walk yourself.

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    2. Awe, I love that!! Looking forward to reading more of your blog, I'm working backwards! :)

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  5. I swear, I’ve seen this similar scene on one of my favourite romantic soap and gave me an emotional joy. This post gave me that exact same feeling and more, tears of joy and profound admiration to the both of you.
    I love stories where my favourite pair end up together forever. I am a fan of your love-team A&K��
    ~RS

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    1. Thanks, RS! That is lovely of you to say.

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  6. It makes me feel selfish how much I enjoy reading your earlier stories. They make me feel less like a MS under achiever. This one made me get misty. I hardly ever get misty. Oh hell. I do so I was misty just a few minutes ago about something completely unrelated but this got me. You could say I gave up on love a really long time ago. I’m not sure why. Or I am and i don’t like thinking about it much but you make me want to believe in it again. So nice job. Also, you’re as awesome as the banker thinks you are. Even I can see that and I’ve never actually seen you in real life. You’re a catch for all those reasons and more! It makes me happy that you have love like that. ❤️

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    1. Beth, it might seem like I have my shit together but I've had WAY more time to process this and adapt to it, and I still freak out. This shit is hard.

      As for believing in love, well, I don't know you IRL either, but I can see how you'd be easy to love.

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  7. OMG I feel the same way!! Yes when I met my honey I was already diagnoised! But all the bullshit he has to put up with, especially the melt downs, just don't faze him. I love him to pieces. We are lucky women! to find our special love and being loved all in the same breath! He is the reason I make it to the next day <3

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    1. Thanks for sharing Shelli. I feel like the best relationships are the ones where both people think they are the lucky ones. I bet he's pretty thrilled to have you.

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  8. I am crying reading this. I identify completely. Love you. Thank goodness for your honesty and writing. Lisa. #MSbeautiful

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    1. Thanks for reading and for reaching out, Lisa.

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  9. I freaked out yesterday. It was a big one. At 62 yrs, 38 yrs married, and 25 years w MS I lost my sh%t. To this point I've been an MS hero, I've figured it all out myself; been and strong and optimistic but now, facing the chair I'm scared, and angry. I was struggling through the simplest thing yesterday that should have been giving me pleasure, but it was just so, damn hard, ...and then I dropped the flower arrangement. I LET IT ALL OUT. Including swearing, and pounding the wall, and threatening to kill myself. It wasn't pretty. My Banker was 5 feet away from me, and kept his eyes fixed on what he was doing. He didn't say a word at the time. Didn't hug me or comfort me, and I don't believe he will. It's not his style. He's dutiful, and present for the day today, but shows no emotion. He does what I ask without complaint, but doesn't partner w me to look ahead. Oddly after my outburst I am feeling peaceful. Maybe I have the answer I need?

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    1. Thank you for sharing this story.

      When we are diagnosed with MS we are given permission to grieve, permission to freak out. But not everything is lost at diagnosis. If you have been living with MS for 25 years and are just now finding yourself facing the possibility of a chair, in some ways it's like getting diagnosed all over again. I think it's important to grieve these transitions, to cry and scream and let it all out at every milestone. It's the only way to get to the peaceful part where we can heal and move forward.

      Our support teams don't always know the best way to support us. Most of the time my husband has no idea what to say and it's not because he doesn't care. It's because he feels scared and helpless too.

      Hang in there anonymous. Sending you love and support. xa.

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  10. btw. Timely that I found your blog. It's like you are inside my head, and have been all along. I'm looking forward to reading more, and all. Thanks.

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