I've been writing too many serious things lately. It’s time for an insipid list. Are you listening Buzzfeed?
Myth #1 Spa treatments will cure MS
While it’s true you cannot spell ‘pedicure’ without ‘cure’, a fresh coat of polish and some attention to your cuticles is not, in fact, a cure for drop foot. I know this for sure because I tried to claim my last spa visit and my insurance company was really crusty about it.
Myth #2 You cannot get more than one disease at a time
I was convinced this was a thing. I stopped flossing, thought about taking up smoking and was playing fast and loose with my breast exams. Then I got dx’d with a mild arrhythmia called Wolff Parkinson White. All I heard was Parkinsons and I lost my fucking mind until it was explained that they’re not really the same thing. Too late. My life had flashed before my eyes and now I wear my seatbelt, take my vitamins and think about my own mortality ALL THE DAMN TIME.
Myth #3 You have to fight to beat MS
Fight whom? Myself? My brain? Should I punch myself in the spine? I know, I’ll poison my liver with booze. That’ll teach my no good body to mess with me.
|Homer gets it.|
Myth #4 There’s a cure!
Wait, what? Tell me more! How have I have not heard of this?
Because there is no cure. There are some treatments that are effective for some people. I swear to you, I know all about them. Please stop telling me about some thing you sorta remember in Russia or maybe it was Lithuania but in any case it was just the headline of an article you saw on the internet. I don’t have the energy to explain it to you again. I promise you that when there is a cure it is utterly impossible that I will first hear about it in a link you sent me on Facebook. Stick to updating me on the demise of Brangelina or the latest celebrity death. That is the only breaking news I trust you to deliver.
Myth #5 Getting liquored and engaging in séances with your besties will give you MS
Every super hero has an origin story and as the heroine of my own I'd convinced myself that some cheap red wine and a sketchy book of spells gave me some bad karma when I started experiencing my first symptoms one week after Halloween. True story. I believed in the power of my own shoddy witchcraft for at least three years. Turns out this is scientifically impossible. Thanks science! Also the hair loss spell that was put on that boyfriend-stealing bitch? That didn’t work either. She knows who she is.
Myth #6 MS is contagious
I wish. Then I could give it to my enemies (see above). Okay, I’m obviously kidding. No, I’m not.
Myth #7 Pretty people don’t get diseases
Someone actually said this to me. Turns out pretty people can also get new friends.
Myth #8 Everything happens for a reason
Oh really? Tell me more about the holocaust.
Myth #9 It all works out in the end. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle
Myth #10 People with MS are descended from Vikings
This one might be true and that’s good enough for me to claim to everyone I know that it definitely is true. It’s the only cool thing about having MS. Or about having super pasty skin for that matter. Our pets were dragons!
Myth #11 MS is a journey
Journey was a meh band that your parents listened to. Journey is a PS3 game for nerds. Journey is an affordable midsize crossover. MS is a vile disease. Calling MS a journey is an insult to the ’70’s, dorks and sensible family vehicles everywhere. Don’t stop believing MS sucks.
The internet is full of bad information about MS. What are some of your favourite misconceptions? Anything you wanna clear up? Please share in the comments.
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