2.25.2016

MS Meltdown in 3, 2...ugh, no. Not today

I started to write about how tempted I am to give in to my simmering emotions and just let myself freak out. Frustrated with how poorly my legs are functioning, how hard it is to walk, to stand, to get dressed, to get anywhere. If I look at the calendar I’m totally overdue for my bi-annual trip to Losing My Shitsville. I couldn’t be blamed. 

But what’s the BFD? MS is old news. I turned my attention to what’s going right in my life. My essential needs are met. The people I love are safe. My puppy is snoring happily in my lap. I have wine. I like my hair. Suddenly I felt less like having a cow. And I deleted everything I’d just written.

Then The Banker, who didn’t even know I was on the edge of a meltdown, texted to tell me he’s leaving work early so he can drive me to my singing lesson. He doesn't want me to have to negotiate this freezing, slippery rain by myself. 

Hmm.

Yes, it fucking sucks that if I want to cross my legs I need both arms to lift one over the other. It fucking sucks that I need a cane on one side and a railing on the other just to heave myself up one tiny step. It fucking sucks that I depend on all the walls and furniture in the house to keep me upright. 

But that’s enough. I’ve acknowledged the bad and now I will put on some lipstick, kiss The Banker hello, and use my not entirely broken body to sing some big, loud notes. Because singing is pretty therapeutic for me. Maybe because it's a lot like screaming.

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11 comments :

  1. I hear ya sister ! If you are ever in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado - send me an email, and I'll grab my J-45 and we can jam - would love to here you sing ! Hey - do you have a youtube channel? Check out my sorry musicianship on YouTube - theduluthdan. Seriously, send me an email if you get close - dan@smilefierce.com

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    1. I just listened to 'Duluth'. It's really great! Listening to more now.

      You can hear a snippet of me here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojcYPAYnnqY

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  2. Ha! All of that. Meltdown (yes/no)? Puppy (next to me). Even singing tonight (but I get to drive).

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    1. Thanks Kayja.
      So happy to hear of others that benefit from singing. Thanks for reading!

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  3. All I can say is thank god for our internet connections! We get to laugh, cry, swear, and know that there are people out there who care!!! (my version of poetry)! hahahahahah...
    I have been stuck in the house most of the winter so I really appreciate your blog and all the humour you add to this life!

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    1. What did we even do before the inter webs? Carrier pigeons and smoke signals leave a lot to interpretation.

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  4. OMG I just listened to your beautiful voice! I have goosebumps! Thanks for letting us in to this special part of your life!

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  5. You've covered a wide spectrum of catharsis. Sometimes you've gotta scream before you can sing.
    That reminds me of the time a friend of mine was running for class president and had to make a speech before the entire school. He went up to the microphone and let out a loud scream. Then he leaned forward and quietly said, "Sorry, just had to break the tension."

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    1. I think your friend was on to something.

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  6. I must have found you through Christopher (commenter above) I'm a huge fan of his blog. I'm so glad we have connected. I love your writing style. And I'm sorry for your physical and mental pain, but I'm melted when I read that a puppy in your lap could sort of make it a wee bit better. You have an amazing attitude.

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    1. Thanks Sandra. http://freethinkersanonymous.com/ is indeed a very entertaining blog. And puppies really are some of the best medicine.

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